It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon, I’m drinking camomile and honey tea looking out the window at the rain. I’m listening to Johnny Cash Folson Prison Blues. It’s a bizarre feeling. I feel unhappy, bored and lonely. It feels deeply that something is missing from my life, I love my family dearly but would love to move out and go explore the world. Its romanticised I know, and reality is likely to be completely different. I feel that no one understands me, how I really feel there is no one to truly share moments with. I guess it’s learning to be an adult and appreciating that people are busy with their own lives, and ultimately it is your own responsibility to go and make your own ‘happiness’. 

I don’t even know what happiness is. Many state it is the small moments that make life. How many of these small moments make happiness? Deeper than these small moments, our souls need nourishing and filling. What lies beneath? I’m confused about life, and what is meant to happen.

 I guess it’s about taking things at a time, and that no one has an concrete idea of what life is and only by living and carrying on it do you really understand it. 

I’ve been having a difficult couple of weeks at work, and feel it’s affected me a lot.  It’s made me realise I like seeing immediate results, I get impatient quite easily if I’m not rewarded for my efforts. I feel like everything in much life atm is getting a bit much and I can’t be bothered to do anything. Hence I end up feeling quite cold and distant. I feel myself getting a little miserable, I know it’s bad as it affects other people but sometimes I just want to curl up and hide from everything. I know it’s totally unhealthy, but at times you just need to be away from a situation to feel refreshed again. 

Though I need to be courageous and fearless and learn how to not let things get to me. I need to tell myself I CAN be in control and can handle this :)

It’s the power of letting go and accepting things as they are that puts your mind at ease. To simply accept is so difficult, we always think what if, or if only I had did this then this would have happen etc. By not accepting you WASTE energy dwelling over and over again about things you have absolutely no control over. Why not conserve that energy to create more positive feelings! You have no control over life, you can however change the way you feel about things. Seeing things as opportunities not obstacles for you to grow helps you to feel better about things.

I would like to let go of all that negative energy and release it in positive and beautiful ways :)

Uncertainty, in the presence of vivid hopes and fears, is painful, but must be endured if we wish to live without the support of comforting fairy tales… To teach how to live without certainty, and yet without being paralysed by hesitation, is perhaps the chief thing. - Bertrand Russell

nationalgeographicdaily:

Sami Herder, Scandinavia
Photo: Erika Larsen

Cone-shaped tents called lavut provide temporary shelter for Sami herders while following the reindeer. Nils Peder Gaup, resting here on the tundra, feels most at home in the mountains. “The Sami spirit follows you,” he says.

nationalgeographicdaily:

Alberta, Canada
Photo: Dwayne Holmwood

Beautiful frost at sunset in Alberta.

vivereamentia:

Courage is knowing that you have no chance, no chance in the world, and yet trying anyway. It’s when you’ve already lost, and yet you don’t back down. Courage is a sickness, a disease, hard to come by. Humanity forces us to think rationally, put things in perspective. Courage…

I’ve been so busy this week working probably too much, it’s good to step back and see things more in perspective. It’s OK to take things slowly, there is no need to rush for anything. Everything can be managed and dealt with. Been feeling a little stressed/anxious this week as this is one of the busiest months at work. I let myself get completely warped into work. I have this tendency to throw myself deeply into something, and get lost in it. It’s only when I sit and reflect do I realise that there isn’t a need to demand so much from myself and let it get to that stage. I get myself worked up so much, I do it because I want to do the best and because I fear if I don’t do it I’ll fail. It’s about realising sometimes you can still do things well without having to put so much pressure on yourself. It’s good to breathe a little.

Emotionally I haven’t had time to think about things, until the weekend. In reflection to where I am in my life I’m grateful that I’ve been given opportunities to progress and move forward. However I still discontent where I am, my job at the moment is merely a stepping stone into what I want to do. I’m learning a lot about communicating to people from different working styles/personalities etc. So it’s been insightful in that sense. There is still a yearning for something vigorous that will stretch my brain and allow me to use my intellectual ability! I’ve been going on and on to my friends and family about applying for masters in anthro. I’m getting tired of saying it myself! I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT latest by mid Feb. It’ll be such a relief once I’ve sent it off and secured a place, I’ll be ECSTATIC! I’ll probably scream once I find out I’ve got into one of my top choices :)

For quite a long time in my life, I always think of things in terms of WHEN I do this THEN I am will be this..confident/happy. It’s a big realisation to know that is doesn’t quite work like that. You have to take action NOW for things to ultimately change, your always in stagnant position if  no action is taken. I’m constantly struggling to understand this. At times I feel disheartened about where I am life, but writing this is a reminder to progress forward with my life :).

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It’s been an interesting three weeks since London. Much has happened. I’ve just realised for so long I’ve been a ‘victim’ of my own life. Through various experiences people have put me in a position that made me feel so low etc. This led me to then blame myself and feel that I was always in the ‘wrong’. I have let go of these feelings over the years, but a part of still remains within me. I’m glad to say I’m feel I can completely let go of these feelings and begin to look @ myself in a different way.  I will try to not criticise myself, put myself down etc as there is no point! I’m ultimately admitting defeat in this making me unproductive! I will stop blaming other people for not being there in my life etc, and will begin to look within to find that strength.

I’ve realised life isn’t always about wanting, yearning and having a desire for something. It’s about being content with yourself within, take away everything around you and you still have this inner strength to combat whatever comes your way. Ok I’m not perfect, I don’t have the social life I want, I’m not happy with the way I look and I’m confused with my career path. But I will DO something about it and take control of my life. Ok I am not expecting to reach a stage of perfection, but at least I am ‘doing’ I will feel productive and be moving. So I will begin to love and forgive myself more and more each day xxx

I’ve just come back from London it was so much fun! I feel like I’ve found myself again, I’ve caught a glimpse of where I want to be. I love London, it’s so vibrant, diverse and so much going on! It was quite tiring at the end of my two days there, but definitely worth the trip. I needed it. It was so lovely to see a few friends in London again, good to see them settling down well there. You realise people move on, doing their own thing, doesn’t mean that they have forgotten you as such but merely that they are all taking their own paths. I went to Tate which was quite enjoyable, it revived my interest in art again, and it made me realise why I did once want to work in that industry. Going to UCL was a eye opener for me too, seeing such a vibrant and busy student community definitely attracted me. I never realised that the campus was that big, we walked past the main buildings etc. I feel like it’s a totally different mini world from where I am now. It’s too small where I am, I can’t wait to explore more and move somewhere else! All positive news :D.

xxxx